I Am Sorry I Watched You Die

I’m sorry I didn’t answer your cries

That you were beginning to live a lie

Trying to blend in

While hollowing out on the inside

 

I’m sorry I watched the fear creep into your eyes

Your desperate pleas haunt my sleep

Your wild grasps for something to hold onto

For someone to hold you

I live with the effects every single day

The numbing permeates everything

 

I’m sorry I watched you die

I saw you fight each and every lie

One by one

You stood your ground

For quite some time

Yet it became too much

To bear on your own

And there I sat

Watching you die

Let the Tender Hands

Darkness.

Hurt.

Pain.

Some will be forgotten

Some will be buried,

Buried down in the cavern of the soul

They seem lost somewhere down there

As if they will never see the light of day

Where they will fester

And pester the soul

And eat a hole

Right to the core

Now laid bare

For a soul to come and care

 

So along comes a lion,

A wolf in sheep’s clothing

Preaching hope and freedom

From the pain piled deep down inside

He plants a thought

Mistaking gashes for mending

And fancying a blade

As the aid,

The tool of his healing

 

I bought this thought

For freedom is what I sought

To carry me away

From the burden I carry

I grabbed the blade

By now the damage has been done

The marks do not fade

It’s hard to look away

 

Back comes the lion

Now taunting his prey

Who bought his hope

And his lies

Now they just fade to

Fear.

Guilt.

Shame.

 

A voice calls out

“Where are you going?”

“I’m hiding

For I am afraid of what you may say

Just look at my scars

Oh, how I stained your masterpiece.”

 

“Who told you that?

Child of mine, I see no stain

I still see my masterpiece

Whom I breathed into life.”

 

“But I lost

The crafty one has won,

Just look what I have done!”

 

“Don’t you see

That from his mouth

Comes the words of judgment

Whose chains were broken long ago

He did not win because you are in need of grace

I have won,

For by grace I made the way.”

 

“Won’t others see my scars?”

 

“They may, but I don’t.”

 

“Won’t they see me differently?”

 

“They may, but I don’t.”

 

“Have you heard my mouth and what it has said?

Have you seen my eyes and what they have seen?

Have you seen my hands and what they have done?

If you did you wouldn’t want this soul!”

 

“I love you,

Don’t ever forget this

I love you,

Scars and all.”

 

“You may, but I can’t.”

 

We all find ourselves with scars of our own

Some large

Some small

Some out in the open

And still some hidden far from the light

 

We run, run, and run some more

To go far away from the pain we bear

But farther down this hole we go

There, guilt and shame will swallow us whole

 

Turn and open up those wounds

To let the light of grace come in

As the arms of hope wrap around

Let the tender hands cleanse you now

And hold you now,

And forevermore.

Dear the Past that I Can’t Let Go Of

Dear the Past that I Can’t Let Go Of,

 

Why do you stick around?

I thought you’d gone

You wake me up at night

And won’t get out of my mind

I replay you over and over again

To see how the story plays out

Different than what I am living with

 

Yet no matter what I do

I can’t fix you

I can’t change you

I can’t let go of you

Because…

I can’t live with the story that came to be

I can’t look at myself

Or this regret

Yet I know it’s there

To give you up

Would be to give up these hopes

These dreams I held dearly

This future that will never come to be

 

Time to turn and face the music

To look at reality

And not this fantasy

I have held hostage

 

It’s time to let you go

And the dream that one day I will fix you

It’s time to let you go

And the chains you’ve bound me in

It’s time to let you go

 

For the past does not hold the keys to healing

Up ahead lies the beauty I cannot see

Grace and forgiveness,

Which I have neglected far too long

I now lean into the Potter’s hands

Where the past will find its hope

Its redemption,

Repurposed clay

Ready for the kiln

 

So, this is goodbye

And not a see you later